she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
