you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
