i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
