You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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