So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
