I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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