dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
