I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
