I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
