k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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