he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
