Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You're like the curious george of whores
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
