im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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