omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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