It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i drank out of a bidet.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
