Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
