how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
