i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
