Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
