Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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