If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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