It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just sucked dick on a ferry
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
