Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
