Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
