I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
