Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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