I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
