you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
