Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Farmville is her only friend.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
