You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
