dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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