There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
