Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
