Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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