my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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