Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
