My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
