A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
