i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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