I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
