I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
