Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
