I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
