Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
