well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
