I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
