why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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