I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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