Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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