party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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