I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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