I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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