Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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