I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
