also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
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So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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