2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
