I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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