i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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