i think my tv is drunk
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am midnight drunk by noon
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
