i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
