I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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