I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
