She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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