my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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